All Good Bakers go to Heaven

I've tried just about every way 

to make biscuits.

I've cut 'em with butter, 

with Crisco.

Both.

And please, don't get me started on self-raising flour.

Or all-purpose. 

Even after a pinch of salt 

or a dash of leavener.

I swear I've kneaded them once,

then twice

1,2,3 three times,

every combination of

12 seconds, 1 minute, and happy birthday twice -

Or is that one just for handwashing?

I can't quite recall.

And you know, if I were a good Christian woman

like all the great southern women are,

those biscuits would rise -

oh Lord, they'd rise.

High like choir hymns, 

right past the ceiling.

They'd rise so high

It’d put Icarus to shame,

   rest his soul.

I'm telling you, people would line up

for mile and miles

and miles-

But they don't.